friendships just aren't eternal

With this being the 111st post on my blog, I will dedicate it to someone. You know who you are. If you don't want to read it, please, by all means, don't.




A day ago, you typed a poem out. It led me astray from my decision to stay in the backseat longer. It filled me with regret, in fact, I'm still feeling upset until now. For days I've completely lost my focus. I cried so badly for a certain character from a game because his story played around so much on friendship, which I rarely do. You may go ahead and think I'm bullshitting you, because I'm someone who back stabs you.

I've refrained myself from talking about this on my blog for quite some time. I didn't want to say anything because well, you know what you'll do. I can't turn back, you know. Everything's changed. On the assumption that you'll find someone far much more better than I am, I'm saying this because I'm a bitch. I never once thought myself fit to be your friend. I absolutely refuse to get so close with anyone anymore because nothing's forever. Yes, I initiated this entire problem, so to say I'm the cause of everything. I'm sorry I hurt you. I can't pen out poems to express anything, so I'll just say everything out in paragraphs instead of stanzas.

First of all, thanks for thinking me as a friend. Thanks for putting up with my selfish acts, my bossiness and all, thank you. But you've reached your limit of having to put up with me already, haven't you? Sorry if it's not true, it's just the feeling I got. In addition, I don't think you'll ever want to be friends with someone who empathizes with your enemies. Who knows, as you said, I might turn around and stab you all of a sudden?

As you've said, I'm stubborn. I refuse to take advises. Why? Because it's futile. Yes, I'm going to sulk again. My source of negativity, I was told, had a billion connections to how I was brought up. I'll admit, I boss people around because I am never able to at home. I bitch and sulk because I'm an attention-whore. I desire attention from the bottom of my heart, but I don't want to seem vain at the same time. I would love to think myself as something great if I didn't keep failing. I'm self-centered. I love to badmouth. I like to pretend like I care, when I don't. As you've already mentioned, I don't seem to care. After all, I actually agreed for you to suicide. What a "friend" I am! Way awesome 'cause I agreed to that.

I misunderstood a lot about you. You may know me inside out because I can be read more easily than a book, but I'll tell you this. I don't know anything about you. A pathetic back-up point would be the quiz results on Facebook. I always assumed and thought you to be mature, but you weren't. There's no helping it, we're all still young, but I completely overlooked that. I expected too much out of you when you're only human, and belittle you when you don't meet the expectations. You know I do that a lot, you surely do. Because you know me inside out, you'll know how I react.

You think I watch anime because I'm waiting for a Prince Charming. Yes, I watch and envy their lives. But I've also come to know that for them to exist, so must their world, which is something I don't want. I'm a hopeless shoujo manga fan who knows no limits of fantasizing. I'm a bloody pervert, I say it out loud now. However, I also take anime and manga as a drug for myself to run from reality. I don't want to wake up to reality so I continue "consuming" the drugs. To avert my mind from negativity, I think of anime. Who would like someone who's depressed 24/7, no? I know you mentioned anime because I had my personal message on MSN be "The ideal husband would be Sakata Gintoki", which I will not deny because he would most definitely will be. But he doesn't exist. But what annoyed me at that point, was that you said before, that what I wanted was not a best friend, but a boyfriend, which I failed to keep because he's a fucking asshole. But fault does not lie completely on him because I hold grudges.

You would most definitely know that I hold grudges. To be honest, I still can't let go of all the things you scolded me for nothing for back in primary school. Literally old school issues, I tried to forget, but I simply failed to do so. I don't think I can continue a friendship while holding grudges for that person. But I also cannot let the fact go that you're a friend. I've been stuck in this for a long time now and well, since I'm hurting you at a considerable amount, I decided to let it go. No, I did not plot that whole issue. It's just spontaneous, I snapped. Why? I don't know.

He's been taking your advice to advise me. Thanks for that. But I think it's best for you and me to well, go separate ways, before I go on bitch-rage and explode again. It's your call, lol what am I even saying.

I heard from a certain bluebird that your boyfriend was telling people in your school I was suicidal. Honestly, that pissed me off. Speaking of suicide counts, we both know who's higher, no?

There is a high chance you may not even read this, but I've said what I wanted to say. Thanks for all the memories, good, bad, or anything. Thanks for supporting me. Thank you for being my friend, but I believe, there are others out there who deserve your sacrifices more than I do.

PS: I did not read my chat box before I post this.