admit it

How long have I since last cried my eyes out? Nothing seems to stop. I'm uncared for, I'm sure it's true now. The perfect piece of evidence lies deeply in my mind, like a knife slowly tearing me apart. I often thought about it before. I didn't want to believe it. I never did. But in the end, it all sums up to my non-existence to everyone. I may very well be standing there but it's just like... You can't see me. You can't hear me. And even if I spoke, I'll bring forth an air of dread. I must apologize. I'm not feminine. I'm not playful. I can't joke about. My sense of humor sucks. Anymore to add into the list? Oh, yeah. I'm sorry I'm not the pretty face in the crowd. I have the dressing sense of a wacko so stay away from me too! Ignore me! Yes, that's the perfect route everyone will and must take in life. I no longer bother to reach out. I realized I was alone then.


I had no one to talk to.

What's the use of a phone and billions of number when you never pick it up? What's the use of being with someone when all you're gonna do is ignore her whenever you're having a bad mood or stress or headache? What's the use of replying me when you only reply me like, few gazillion hours later?

What- is - the - point - of -it?

To all who all of the above, I'll fucking congratulate ALL of you. Don't go blaming me when I refuse to go out now. It's YOUR fault, not mine. I don't give a damn about being anti-social anymore. I rather be a recluse than hurt myself emotionally more. Oh, you know what? I can't count the number of times I wanted to go kill myself yesterday! But I just can't decide. To stab myself? Strangle myself? Bleed myself? Poison myself? I just can't decide! I give up already. I seriously do. I refuse to be toyed around with a simple label and what I'm supposedly "obliged" to do. Fuck that. True, I DID do something annoying like walk out and say to you nonchalantly "Oh, so you noticed". Yeah, I did. So is that a fucking ticket to like, treat me like thin air? Oh' I'm sorry. I didn't know I was PERFECT EPITOME of the word "annoying" or "nuisance"!

I admit I'm selfish. But you can't say a word against me because YOU YOURSELF ARE already selfish. I'm trying so damn hard to not look like the pitiful hypocrite but well, to hell with it. Be true to yourself my ass. What's the point of it if you're annoying? What's the point of it if everyone disagrees with you? It won't make a fucking change if I'm dead because you have BILLIONS of friends to turn to. So be it then. A label is just a label after all. I'm not going to bother to even mask anything. Full fledged raw emotions do me good. Someday, it might tell me to end my life because everything's gone. I never had a future to begin with. I'm just a failure by the streets, the failure of household. Zero brains, zero socializing skills, zero maturity, zero common sense, everything, comes in a dreadful package called "me", the 17-year-old bitch living in that very house.

Yeah yeah whatever, I'm emo. So what? Why do you fucking care? Just continue ignoring me. It's the way of life. Oops, I forgot I'm invisible so you can't see me. Thank you for something that made me cry my eyes out. Why am I even crying over this? Why do I even care? A label is nothing more than a label after all. Best friend/ girl friend/ whatever. Nothing goes beyond that.