end

This year, I've lost many things. But I've also gained some precious ones in return. But in the end, it's true that I've lost than I gained.



This year, many things slipped out of my fingers, either because I triggered it, or I just let it slip. Everything happens right before me, yet I make no effort to even control it. I just watch as the scene unfolds. If I had to be honest, yes, I admit, I deserve none of the people I have close to me now. I never deserve anything, and so I let it go, as though I'm obliged to. I do feel that foolish sense of responsibility. I've no right to hog someone who has been a best friend of another person. I'm selfish, and for two years I've done it without realizing how much hurt I've been causing. On top of it all, I release torrent after torrent of rage at her. Yes, everything's my fault. I've been moody, I always am. I've said and done things that would very well deserve a slap, or even a punch or a kick if you will. From here onwards, I exclude myself from your life. It's not like you'll ever see me again though.

Friendships will end. I've always knew that but I never wanted to admit it. I always wanted to live in that delusional world I was in, thinking, hoping, wishing, dreaming for the companion who will stay by my side forever. I had unwittingly forced this role upon a person who was once my best friend. Humans have their limits, it's no surprise that she got angry. She had the right to be angry, and I didn't. All I did was just follow my thoughts, and said everything I wished. I have misjudged time and time again. Now it's too late, there's no turning back anymore.

I don't expect pity. I'm just writing my misery. I never really thought that I was all moody and gloomy until, well, someone told it straight to my face. Yeah, I was a fun victim to fool around with because I constantly had my period every single day. Nice. Sadly, words such as "I love you" are ineffective against me. I'm sick of all the rubbish that trails from that phrase. One lie after another. Just when I thought I could believe in someone again, there- Everything crumbles down. My tolerance does not exist.

I'm no longer going to bother justifying myself. I accept the blame. It's my wrong. I should have just shut my fucking mouth up and watch silently as I always had. The less people I interact with, the lower the chances of me angering, or even upsetting anyone for that matter. I should have never spoken a word to anyone. I should be left alone, as always, as many had done, but soon claim to have always been by my side. I am myself. I know who's always been by my side, and who has not. Am I not old enough? Do I not have the mind to think?

School's officially over for me, I should be celebrating, but it's precisely because that school's ending I feel regret welling up. I knew it very well.

"After this, we won't see each other anymore."

Yet I failed to accomplish what I had hoped to do. So all I can do is just back off from everything. Be a social recluse. I've had enough of people laughing behind my back, or right in front of my face. I'm a fool, I realize that I am, but there is a limit to how much you can pull a prank on someone. I'm not going to personify myself as the maiden in despair now simply because I was never a maiden from the start. No one's gonna read this anyway.